“You have two childhoods and one adulthood” R. Badawi
I’ve had a rough couple of days. I’ll spare you the gorey details. My grandmother’s illness has progressed into loss of large quantities of blood. My wife helped by admitting her to the hospital while I was recovering from a stomach virus. My sister did midnight watch, and I was with her all day Friday.
These family issues are tough for anyone. There can be a lot of guilt and mixed feelings. Throw some dementia into the mix and you see that the person you are caring for has returned to their childhood to some extent. After 10 hours in the hospital, she was saying she had been there 41/2 days.
These are tough life issues that aren’t easy for anyone. I look at the nurses and caregivers who do it every day with awe. I did systems work for a nursing home chain in the mid nineties and the smell of the facilities was enough to reinforce that my not going to med school was a good decision. Like the people who frequently ask me how I could do such computer “miracles”, I look at caregivers for the elderly and wonder how in the world they do what they do. In my eyes, those people are miracles.
I don’t have any answers for situations like this. Only questions we should all consider.
Namely, how are you and I going to handle end of life?
- Do you have a living will? Terry Schivo proved you are never too young to have a living will.
- Do you have a will that disperses your assets once you pass away? Without a will, the government gets involved (at least in the US) and you know that once they are involved there is going to be a lot of red tape, delays and hassles.
- When you are too old to care for yourself, who will care for you? Your children? Your grandchildren? Will you choose a nursing home?
I don’t think there are any right or wrong answers to these questions. But they must be discussed with the people you love and the people who love you. You need to have them written down and signed – notorized with an attorney present if at all possible.
I know many of you have more experience in these matters than me – In fact, I am lost. Your thoughts and opinions would be appreciated.
Technorati Tags: life, aging, dying
{ 5 comments }
My best wisheds to you & your family, especialy your grandmother. Dementia can be cruel and frightening for the sufferer and the family, the only sugestions I can offer are to try to provide some familiarity to your grandmother, faces & voices etc. For the times when you cannot be there, perhaps a tape of your family in normal conversation that your grandmother may recognise, a meal or gathering maybe? Also leave some things with a familiar smell, a very deep rooted sense that may still reach into her subconcious for reasurance? I don’t know if these will help but it has to be worth a shot.
As to the living will etc (They are not legal in the UK) all I can say is that communication with family is the key, should anything happen to my wife & I our young children will be cared for by family, as already agreed with them, and we have agreed to take the children of our friends who have no other family.
All the best
Chris
Chris, thanks for your kind thoughts. I especially like your idea about the tape of the family gatherings. I have some of these on DVD so it would be easy to just burn her a copy she could watch during the day.
My heart goes out to you. Over the past 1 1/2 years my maternal grandparents, who have lived long and healthy lives, suddenly had a number of medical emergencies. My grandmother had sudden onset dimentia and went from healthy and active to bedridden and unable to communicate in the short span of 6 months.
The whole experience has been difficult for the family, which is no surprise. But everything became even more complex when we found huge waiting lists at nursing homes and large numbers of financial decisions that had to be made while processing all of the emotional issues. At one time the closest nursing facility available was over 50 miles away – it made regular visits very difficult and added physical exhaustion to an already difficult situation. (They have since found a better place.)
For years we had all just avoided the topic of what to do when my grandparents came to the end of their days. I think we had all just hoped it would be sudden, and they would be healthy right to the end. Reality didn’t work out that cleanly.
The best thing you can do for your children and loved ones is to make as many of the decisions regarding long term care and finances in advance. The emotional stress is enough to deal with.
Andrew, I’m glad they’ve found a better place. Things might be a bit easier. Those small successes do make a big difference in the long run.
My father had dementia, I just realised it when I participate in a workshop about Alzheimer. I suggest you to read some tips, they proved so useful for us. if I had time I would mention a few, but let me inform the one I think is the most important: avoid noise, too many people together in her presence, excitment, moving things and furniture. More than anything else they need peace, tranquility , tons of patience and love. We learn what true love and care is, because they won’t give us nothing back but they will be much better.
All the best,
Silvia