Having been married for 13 years, a friend of mine recently asked “if you had one tip to starting and maintaining a good relationship, what would it be?”
We were at a cookout at the time and after he asked his question, the chatter suddenly stopped. I felt like I was in one of those old commercials “When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen.” You could hear a pin drop as the others awaited my response.
It’s a good question. But my answer was the opposite of what he and the others expected. In fact, it’s counterintuitive…perhaps ironic.
If you are just starting out looking for a loving relationship, looking for ways to improve your current relationship or simply deal better with others, the best place to start is with yourself – alone.
Again, this may seem odd, it may seem scary to some of you. But, really the best way to be a better friend to another person you need to be a better friend to yourself.
Spend serious time discovering exactly what YOU like to do. Take yourself out to a nice dinner, take yourself out to the movies ALONE. Become aware of your likes and dislikes on a new level. Spend some time sitting in the park on a warm summer day just taking in the sights, sounds and writing in your journal. Don’t just give lip service to it. Do it.
If you are single, you may find yourself wanting to “look” for a partner while you are out on one of these solitude excursions. Resist this urge!
You time is you time. Period.
By investing in this time with yourself you will begin to cherish this time alone. Really, spending time alone is the only time we ever get to truly be free. Free to burp out loud, sit around in your underwear, buy an RC boat, sing songs about pudding…whatever. For after you’ve formed a close relationship with another, there are some rules and restrictions. Suddenly, you are eBaying your RC boat in exchange for a child car seat. Your song about pudding doesn’t have the same ring to it when it wakes the baby. Sitting around in your underwear tends to annoy the in-laws when they drop in unexpectantly.
I’m poking fun above to make a point. Relationships involve working things out and adapting. Solitude involves just you being you – completely.
If you are already in a relationship, then keep up the solitude. Schedule time alone with you and only you. Your partner may frown on this at first, but soon they’ll come to appreciate it. The reason is you’ll begin to bring back more stories and experiences. Where a lot of couples get into a rut, those who practice solitude can avoid it. You become more interesting.
When you come back from one of your adventures you get to tell the story. It’s likely your better half will have a story for you too. So sharing becomes another benefit of this time alone.
Again, this seems strange – “we are going to be apart so we can get closer???”
Yes, although solitude feels counter to relating well to others, the truth is you can’t really love others if you don’t love yourself first.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree. I set a chair in my attic, and when my wife is gone sometimes I will just go sit and read and think and try to listen to how quiet it is. I need some calm alone time on a consistent basis.
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Hi!
This is so true, and does not feel counterintuitive to me at all.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that until and unless we DON’T NEED anyone else, we cannot really give of ourselves in a relationship, and be comfortable enough to maintain our identity while really contributing and being happy.
Thanks for the great post!
Shauna
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I’ve advised this to some people and literally gotten the response “I couldn’t do that!!” When I ask why, they say they are afraid people will stare, feel sorry or ridicule them because “couples rule” or something.
I think if someone is concerned about that, they are having an “I am the center of the world” type of reaction. Usually, explaining the distortion of this attitude is enough for them to give it a try.
I’ve done it both ways. Been to many movies / restaurants alone and many with wife/friends. Frankly solitude can be addictive… especially when right at this very moment my son is 6 feet away from me screaming a song at the top of his lungs.
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Yup!
Laura & I love being together AND we’re both OK alone. She travels for work and I get time alone. I go off on the motorcycle (or bicycle) for a week & she gets time alone. Makes coming home a celebration, too.
Gordon
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