Choosing not to communicate your needs in a relationship is a great way to damage or even kill the bond you have with your partner. Communication is key, but there are two major reasons we choose to remain silent instead of speaking our minds.
- One reason lots of us don’t say anything is that we don’t want to offend our partners. We’re worried that speaking up seems horribly demanding instead of helping your partner understand what you need in the relationship.
- Another reason many people choose to be quiet instead of articulating their needs is that they feel they shouldn’t be required to ask for what they want. Think about this one for a minute. You shouldn’t have to tell your partner what you want? They should just somehow read your mind and know? While connections between people work that way in the movies, they don’t work that way in real life, and frankly, you don’t want them to. How would it feel if your partner simply spoke for you – assuming your every need (even if it wasn’t actually your need)? Think that thought through a little more before you start suggesting your partner should “read your mind.”
So, now you know why you aren’t speaking up, but maybe you’re wondering how to get those lines of communication flowing? These tips might help:
First, make a bit of time to talk with your partner. Turn off the cell phone, shut down the IM service, and generally make sure you’ve got some quiet space to discuss serious concerns or just what you’re going to do tomorrow. Multi-tasking while you’re trying to talk with your partner just doesn’t work as well as you think it’s going to.
Second, pay attention. Listen (don’t just hear) what your partner is saying if you’re talking about vital relationship matters. Look carefully at your partner’s point of view and evaluate all of the evidence in front of you before you make decisions or do something rash like ending the communication session with a childish yelling match.
Finally, if you’re discussing more serious issues, don’t play the blame game. Let them know how you feel, not what they did. This is sometimes called using “I-messages.”
When you don’t clean up the kitchen after dinner, I don’t feel like you care about the success of our household.
When you spend the entire night on your laptop, I don’t feel like you want to spend any time with me.
These messages are a far more effective way to communicate your point, and your partner is sure to feel less defensive throughout the course of the conversation.
Communication is important in any relationship. Make sure you keep your lines open.
