This is the third part in Project Dream Dating 2007. If you are new to this series, please go back and read the first two parts:
Part 1: Project Dream Dating 2007 Introduction
Part 2: Project Dream Dating 2007 Background On Shyness
This lesson will cover something few people think about before they seek out a partner. It is the primary basis why many relationships start out well, but are doomed to failure. By the time you are through with this, you will have a better understanding of yourself and who you are wanting to meet and date.
Why Dating?
What do you want from dating? What type of person? Men, I know you are thinking “she needs to be hot hot hot.” I’m here to tell you to think deeper. Good looks and incompatibility will lead to much heartache.
Women, you may have similar thoughts. If you want only one or two qualities in a man, then you are not thinking it through. You might find those few attributes but the balance of his other qualities may drive you nuts.
Refining Who Is Right For You
Much like a marketer needs to find a target audience to sell their goods, you will need to define the person you are compatible with. You see, a marketer selling hair replacement has a target audience to promote to. Otherwise, he wastes endless time and money promoting to kids, women and men who have their hair.
By defining who you are looking for you get the benefit of promoting yourself only in areas where this person would be. This almost ensures you will find the right guy or gal because while you are looking for them, they are looking for you.
Finding The Perfect Partner Begins With Self Knowledge
So how do you define what you are looking for in a mate? The first step is to define who you are. What are your likes and dislikes? Much like how you would list out all of your goals, you will want to list out all or most of your likes and dislikes. What hobbies would you pursue if given the chance? What dreams do you have for the future? Do you dream big? Or dream small?
Do Opposites Attract?
It is common to say “opposites attract”. That is true of magnets, but not so true with relationships. The classy woman who gets involved with the gangster biker will spend most of her time fighting incompatibility issues. This might be exciting and fun, but most people don’t have the constitution for those types of battles long-term.
Dating people like you, who have your same likes and dislikes makes getting there easier and more natural. It’s ok to be attracted to an opposite, but your odds are much better with a match.
So, for this first lesson, I will challenge you to think through and write down your likes and dislikes, what you want to do for fun, hobbies and relaxation. What do you like to do alone? What do you like to do with others? Get it all down.
Then once you’ve defined yourself, go point by point and list what you want in a partner. Will this person need to enjoy mountain biking like you or would you prefer someone who likes bowling? Will she need to be a songbird who sings in the mornings? Or are you a grump in the morning and prefer a quiet writer?
Overall, what you want to have at the end of this is a list of qualities you like and dislike in another person. From there, much like goal refinement, prioritize your list. The top qualities are the absolute must-haves. These are the things you can’t ignore.
Some possibilities for this category:
- Nonsmoker
- Friendly
- Optimistic
- Nonalcoholic
- Steadily employed
- And so on.
From there, you can list out the preferences that you like, but are not absolutely necessary.
Examples:
- Loves Outdoors
- Likes skiing
- Can fix stuff
- Good dancer
- Likes making furniture
I will caution you not to think of someone specific when making your list. “Suzanne is the perfect woman for me” or “I want someone just like Paul” is not a healthy way to decide your likes and dislikes..
You want a list of what’s important to you.
Make sure you prioritize your list of like-to-haves from most important to least important.
When you have completed separating both lists, you should now see a distinct difference between the two. The first list is the non-negotiable, where the second list is more like icing on the cake.
To put it another way, who cares if a guy is a great handyman, likes to ski and is a good dancer if he’s also an intravenous drug user? The fun of his personality will never outweigh the long-term pain of addiction.
I hope, you will begin to see that by having clearly defined expectations for your future partner you are starting out better than most people. You are no longer leaving it up to chance.
By being proactive with whom you are looking for you will be more confident. You can weed through the people who are not right for you sometimes in a glance.
The other side of the equation is this list will help position you to find the right person. Like a marketer, you won’t have to waste time in atmospheres where your type of people will be.
In the next article I’ll show you how to use your list as a roadmap that will lead to people you are most compatible with. You won’t have to waste time meeting all the wrong people in all the wrong places ever again.
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Excellent series. Really looking forward to reading the rest of it.
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