If you feel burdened with shyness, this is the part of Project Dream Dating for you. You will not only gain new ideas on how to deal with shyness, you?ll also have some solid actions you can take starting today to get over it. Yes, if you follow the methods, you can say good-bye to shyness.
But first, if you haven’t read the first 4 installments, please go back and read them now. Each lesson builds on the one prior so you’ll want to make sure you’ve got the background info.
Part 1: Project Dream Dating 2007 Introduction
Part 2: Project Dream Dating 2007 Background On Shyness
Part 3: Know Who You Are Looking For
Part 4: Five Steps To Being In The Right Place At The Right Time
A shyness metaphor
I would compare shyness to being in a foreign city waiting to catch a tour bus. You?ve bought a ticket for the tour bus; you are waiting alone or with your friend at the stop. Several buses come and go, but because you do not speak the language, every time one drives up, you get a little excited and nervous that you?ll miss yours when it appears.
Finally, a bus appears, but there is no sign on it. You think this might be the one, but since you don?t speak the language, you don?t know how to ask. You hesitate and think about what to do. You decide you simply need to board the bus and ask the driver. But before you pull out your English translation dictionary to make sure you can ask the right question. As you flip through the dictionary, the bus pulls away and you see on the back of the bus a lit sign showing it was indeed your bus.
When you think (mull) on missing the only tour bus of the day, you are not happy with yourself. If only I spoke the language. If only I had asked the driver. If only the bus only had a sign on the front telling me it was the one . If only — If only…
A stranger in a strange landShy people, although intelligent, feel socially like foreigners when trying to meet the people they?d like to date. On one hand, they get excited about meeting and socially interacting with people. But on the other, they stumble and delay. They want to find the right words to say, the right approach, the right car, clothes and hair before they do anything.
The penalty for shyness
Shy singles, like most other singles who want to meet others will go to the normal scenes: parties, bars and dance clubs. There are what look to be opportunities to meet the perfect person. The guy at the pool table looks like your type. Or the woman at the bar seems fun and attractive. But to meet this perfect person you have to do something. What to say? When?s the right time? Do you pretend to be heading to the bathroom and accidentally stumble into this person?
If an opportunity passes, like the tour bus above, disappointment sets in. Many shy people experience depression or will emotionally beat-up on themselves for missing the opportunity. ?You?re such a jerk. All you had to do was say hi.? There is confusion on what to do next. ?If I can?t meet someone there, how am I going to meet someone anywhere? I?m hopeless??
The cycle of false starts followed by missed ?opportunities? and then the depression feeds on one another. Shy people with sensitive souls do not like this cycle one bit. The more it happens, the more the person feels like a foreigner. Each stumble is a brick in the wall of separation between the shy single and the man or woman they?d like to meet.
No burden is without its reward
There is good news at the end of the tunnel. If you are shy, then I?m here to tell you that all is not hopeless. Your shyness is a gift.
I know some of you might be scratching your heads thinking how could your biggest flaw be one of your greatest gifts? I?d have to be kidding right? Hang on and I?ll explain.
Shyness although seemingly a burden when it comes to meeting and attracting others in the typical ?meat market? means you understand that something is wrong.
If you have been going to singles bars, parties, and other ?great places? to meet someone you are compatible with, you know from our prior lesson how silly this is. Consciously or subconsciously, you see that you are going to have to play a game or say something you don?t want to say in order to meet someone in this manner.
Shyness means you are real. You care about people. You are above the tricks, games and pickup lines. Your sensitive nature means you don?t want to take actions that hurt you or someone else. Thus, placing a shy person in a pickup bar or dance club makes no sense ? you can?t be sensitive and a battle hardened barfly at the same time. Those ideas are diametrically opposed. You just may not have connected the dots until now.
You know, deep in your heart, that if an entire relationship is based on the first 5 words out of your mouth, that getting those 5 words right is a losing battle. Let?s break it down. If I?m at a bar and spot the perfect woman for me and think ?Ok, I?m going to walk up to her and say ?Hi, I?m Brad, can I buy you a drink??? Buying a drink is no basis for compatibility. The odds are staggeringly against me. If a woman sees the guy she thinks is perfect at the pool table in the dance club, again, approaching him to ask for the next game may be artificial too? unless she?s been into billiards all these years.
Do you see how it?s ok to be shy in these situations? It?s all an illusion anyway. You would be much better-off in your environment with your people.
Shyness Busting
When I speak of a cure for shyness, let?s go back to my original opinion about shyness. The polar opposite of shyness is belligerence. Where shyness is extreme reserve, belligerence is extreme aggressiveness in social situations. So the question is what exactly are we shooting for with a ?cure?? If you are on the same page as me, then you?ll see that all we want to do is to increase the confidence level 1, 2, 3 steps and decrease your reserve at the same time. Arguably, it is much easier for you to increase your confidence and decrease your reserve than it is for a belligerent personality to decrease their aggressiveness.
Baby steps to confidence
Now that you are beginning to understand that shyness is not some curse or impossible burden, you likely still feel like you?d be hesitant to approach the right person. That?s what this section is about.
Let?s define what I mean by confidence when it comes to meeting and dating. Confidence means security in who you are as a person so you can communicate who you are to others without fear. Put another way, what would life be like for you if you fully accepted your past, present, your mannerisms, flaws and setbacks and didn?t care if you made a mistake or put your foot in your mouth? This self-acceptance means every time you meet someone and for whatever reason it doesn?t work out, you can be okay knowing that finding someone compatible with you ? the real you ? is the eventual goal.
If you are investing all of your energy in covering up who you are by trying not to make mistakes, then you are not projecting the real you. We are all flawed, self-confident people realize they are flawed but they take steps anyway.
The First Step
Touched on in the last lesson, the first step is self-discovery. Figure out what you like to do. How do you like to spend your time? What are your preferences and prefer nots?
Most shy people invest so much energy in what other people think, it becomes a challenge figuring out who they, themselves, are. If you can figure this out, you have won half the battle. You know where you are most comfortable and where you fit into this big puzzle we call life.
So the first step is spending some time alone, but away from home. Take your time discovering who you are and what you like to do. I?d warn against doing this at home. Get out and do it. Go to museums. Go to movies. Go to restaurants. Go to flea markets. Just get out and explore. If you find something you like doing alone, do it. You don?t have to wait around for Mr. or Ms. Right to start enjoying your time right now. In fact, by spending this time in self-discovery will help you find a good partner.
So the first step is now, today, make some plans. Set a date with yourself to go out. And when you go out, treat yourself well. Some people drag themselves away from home alone as if they are meeting their worst enemy someplace. Remember the saying ?you?ve got to love yourself before you can love another.? Spend some money on you. Treat yourself as if you were out with your dream date.
In the next article, I?ll show you a simple method that will build your confidence in meeting other people. It will help to whittle away at what?s holding you back.
