Are you good at solving problems? If so, then STOPPPPP!
Maybe not all problem solving, but the type of problem solving that ends up biting you in the butt.
Recently, I was trying to help resolve a problem between an administrator and one of my family members. I realized up front the two were on opposites sides of the table and as a mediator I was trying to get them both to reach an agreement. This was stressful for me and I went through many hours of trying to fix the situation.
However in the long run, I came to the conclusion that this was not a problem I could solve. I closed my notebook, stood up to leave, and said I couldn’t help them.
I can almost hear you thinking "You? Give up? Never!!" Cue scene from movie Home Alone.
Well, I am not ashamed to admit I did give up. And boy did it feel good!
Why not solve a problem?
In working with the two people, (who I like independent of one another) I made my suggestions, I stated opinions, but that was it. It was up to them to take appropriate action. It was up to them to figure out how to work together. In every negotiation, people have to decide whether they can work together or not.
However, they both hated each other. Not only were they both argumentative, they were hostile. Seemingly, the second we’d come close to an agreement, one of them would throw a verbal stink bomb over the table at the other. In less than a second, they were squabbling again. Goodbye progress!
It was like watching someone shoot himself in the foot with a pistol, then bandage up the wound and immediately shoot himself in the foot again just to see if it would be better this time. It was annoying. I got a headache. How aggravating! People whipped up in that type of anger don’t think or behave clearly.
It took me longer than I would have liked to discover I could not help them. So that time was wasted. How nice it would have been to figure it out in the first 5 minutes… I would have had the rest of my morning to relax.
When it occurred to me, I couldn’t control the actions of either, it became quite a relief. I knew they would do what they wanted to do regardless of anything I did or said. I was suddenly much more optimistic. Sure, bad outcomes might be on the horizon. But what a relief in knowing there was nothing I could do.
I could effectively stop solving their problem and effectively solve my own problems.
{ 2 comments }
Right on Brad. There is almost nothing LESS rewarding and MORE frustrating than trying to help people who don’t want to be helped. These people are parasites, and they’ll plea for help and take up a lot of your time and emotional energy. Eventually you have to make the decision to stop. It’s happened to me plenty of times.
From my own experience, until someone realizes that they are being helped, it is difficult to get them to change. It is easier when they understand why you are there in the first place. When they do, then both of you will be on the same platform and in that position you will be operating in the same wavelength.
Like playing a irresistibly sonorous flute tune to a deaf crowd, it is useless trying to solve problems when those affected do not even realize why you are there in the first place.
Fred.
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