It was a gift I couldn’t afford to give… 
When I was in college, one semester I was so bogged down helping other students with their studies, I did not have enough time for my own. As a result, my grades were suffering in most of my classes. How did I get into this predicament? I didn’t say no.
I wanted to help my friends and some acquaintances, because I am a nice guy. But by not saying no, it was costing me.
Chalk it up to youth, but I even felt angry sometimes at people for requesting my help. “Don’t they know I’m busy? I just helped them last week! How dumb can they possibly be???”
My advisor pulled me aside one day for a sanity check. He said that he could see I was over-committing myself to other people’s grades but not my own. I’ll never forget him saying, “It’s ok to say no every now and again.”
Something about the way he said that seemed to flick on a light bulb. I knew if I just said no more often, I could get my work done.
So in my typical style, I decided I would turn this into an experiment.
I vowed right then to say “no” to every request made of me for the next 30 days. This should be interesting…
My advisor didn’t like the idea. “That’s a little extreme don’t you think?”
I told him that after a lifetime of saying yes to virtually any request, I needed some “no practice.”
“What about your girlfriend? What if she asks?”
“Then the answer will be no – at least for 30 days.” I said. I truly wanted to see what would happen when the people I normally said yes to suddenly got a “no.”
Would they stop being my friend?
Would they argue incessantly?
Would they call the police? Ok, I just made that last one up.
I would love to tell you that the first time I said no to one of these people, they fainted, and lightning cracked in the distance and there was a loud Hosanna. But, alas, saying no was not nearly as emotionally impacting as I originally thought. In fact, I only recall one person asking “why?” during those 30 days. To which I responded I was busy. He stopped asking after that.
Turns out, if you say no, the one asking you will just go find someone else to ask.
I feel it’s a tragedy at least personally when one spends all their time working toward the goal achievement of others while ignoring one’s own personal goals.
Part of mature goal Setting is concluding you only have limited time. You can spend most of that time worrying about what other people want or you can split that commitment between what you want and other people want. That’s a win-win.
I recommend balancing time spent on your job with time spent on your own goals. Jim Rohn put it best when he said “You’ve got to learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your JOB! If you work hard on yourself, you can make a living. If you work hard on yourself you can make a fortune.”
That speaks volumes doesn’t it?
Put simply, you have to say no sometimes. Not only to mean people, or to the users, but sometimes you have to say no to people you want to help and the ones you care about.
Shakespeare said there are two certainties in life death and taxes. I think there is one more… Requests. The odd thing with requests is there will always be more. You can do a great job knocking out everything your boss, friends or family members ask of you and there will still be more to do. Requests will consume all your time if you don’t learn to say one this one tiny but important word.
A sure sign of low self-esteem is saying yes when you should say no. Maybe you don’t have the energy. Maybe you feel you have given enough to this person today and you want to do something for yourself. If you say yes, when you should say no, you are giving a gift you can’t afford to give.
Saying no to others every now and then gives you the freedom to pursue your goals. It buys back time and leads to others respecting you.
I’m not saying to say no every time, but if you find yourself doing for others but not for yourself, there’s a problem. Stretch your “no” muscle to fix it.
Have you ever had a situation where saying no helped in a dramatic way? Maybe it freed you up to pursue a dream or just much needed time alone. Heck maybe it saved your life. If so, post a comment below and tell us about it.
This is tip #84 of 101 Goal Setting Breakthroughs: A 31 Day Blog Series That Will Make 2008 Your Best Year Ever! Subscribe to my free RSS feed to get the rest of the series and never miss a tip!
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I especially like this tip. Its amazing how hard most people find saying no. They are simply uncomfortable with it and find it easier to say yes. ALL THE TIME. I think I would lose my job if I said NO for 31 days but its definitely something to take note of.
Maybe something less extreme? Like saying NO 5 times a day where you can still use some judgment as to when its appropriate and not.
Great stuff Brad
I love the quote from Mr Rohn
“I think I would lose my job if I said NO for 31 days but its definitely something to take note of.”
oops! I didn’t mean for my experiment to come across as advice. It was my story. Although if someone has a needy friend or relative, they might want to give it a try.
In work, I think it’s important to say “No” or “Not now” when there are more important things to do. For instance, if you are working to close a deal that would boost company earnings by 30% and the boss asks you to sharpen a case of pencils. Saying No would be a favor to you both.
@Benjamin, Jim is great. He’s my favorite.
Brad, it seems that this little word is what I need to use more often, too. Some “no practice”. What made it so clear is: “Turns out, if you say no, the one asking you will just go find someone else to ask.” At first, this may hurt our egos, but adult as we are, we should know how to handle it.
Thank you for sharing this story. Exactly what I needed today.
I said no to my girlfriend… I have never had too much problem about it with her, only with business clients.
The problem is that she “found someone else to ask”. :’(
So much for productivity (and will to live, for that matter).
editors note, the email address of this person starts with the word “Heckler@”
That’s pretty funny Levente, but you raise a good question. What should be the outcome when a friend or lover cannot accept the word “no”?
I felt sorry for you Levente and for me too! We’re on the same boat- I said NO to my boyfriend and he got someone else to ask. I considered that as a big mistake, but that NO made a better and stronger lady. Thanks to that two letter word!:)
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